Just messing around with things in life. Instead of letting life mess with me I am messing with it. In a good way of course, I'm not testing life or trying to do bad things just to see what will happen. I'm just not letting the bad things that happen effect me like they used to. If something bad happened in my life that wasn't something that I had planned on or that made me unhappy I would let it ruin my whole time until it was fixed or I just accepted it. I didn't work thru my feelings on the obstacle I would just have an anger knee jerk reaction. Now I work thru my feelings, I still accept the anger and I recognize it then I move on to a solution and I let myself take the time to think about a solution. I always went to other people to have them help me solve things I did it in a way to have someone else deal and solve the problem instead of coming up with my own solutions. I didn't have confidence in myself to solve it and stand by my decision. I was afraid of making a mistake and looking foolish. My mistakes were ridiculed by people in my life and I didn't like that it was wrong on their part. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes or have preferences, if my life decisions went against theirs then I was accused of being argumentative and unreasonable until I conformed to their ideas and decisions.
For most of my adult life this is how I was treated, so I had and have a lot to work on. I'm no longer in that situation, I took myself out of it for my own sanity. Now I am working on being financially independent and mentally independent as well. So far it hasn't been easy, I never thought it would be. There's all kinds of little things that pop up that make me go..What the fuck! LOL but I do my feelings check and do some googling on trauma recovery and it all works out. Life gets better and better every day. Right now I'm in protection mode, I'm protecting myself against people like the one's that abused me. It's kinda easy to pick them out but then it's not there's a lot of confusing as to "is this person love bombing me or are they just being nice?" Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I think that's the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to figure it out but I'm sure an answer will come to me when it's time.
